Would like your salad obliterated?

When did “chopping” a salad become the new big food thing? Everyone is asking for it chopped, chop’t or however people are spelling it these days. By ordering your salad chopped you’re essentially telling everyone, “I’m too lazy to chew through anything larger then the size of a pea.” If that’s the case then buy soup you lazy bastard.

You don’t order sushi and ask the waitress, “Can you have the chef chop the fuck out of my tuna roll so I get it in an unrecognizable mush?” No because you’re an adult, with teeth. Chopping a salad takes all the textures and blends them into one. You’re not going to taste anything but chickencornspinacholivescucumbers. Soft things like chic peas melt right into firmer things like cheese cubes. You want that experience? Again, order soup.

“But it’s so much easier to eat in an office or public environment.”¬†Use a knife genius. No one said you can’t cut your leafy greens with a knife. If George Costanza could cut his candy bar with a knife http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UxB-H6f3crY, you can cut your salad with one. As an adult you should have mastered eating and be able to do so around others so that you don’t look like a slob. If you can’t or haven’t then go eat alone in a corner or a broom closet.

And what makes a kung-fu’d salad even worse is when people drown it in dressing. You shouldn’t be counting in “Mississippi’s” while the counter guy is squirting your dressing on. If you’re going to do that then have a damn cheeseburger and save the “I’m having a salad so I’m eating healthy” crap. You’re eating more fat and calories then you think. You want dressing? Ask for it on the side. You want something creamy in there? Get an avocado. Lower your LDL…get folic acid…get fiber…boom.

I’m going to start a new trend. Salad balls. You take a head of your favorite lettuce; Iceberg, Boston, Bibb. Whatever floats your boat. You hollow the sucker out, throw in your ingredients into the void, mix it up…boom. Salad ball.

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